Greg Gutfeld: The media wants to replace Emmys with participation trophies

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Hi, and welcome to Lessons in Diversity. I’m your host, Mary Lou Retton. This is what she looks like. In a perfect world, diversity would be awesome. Who doesn’t want to work with different people? There’s nothing more boring than the same old crew. And I should know. 

But I love different faces in different races, all commingling in a melting pot I call Greg’s hot tub of equality. However, today’s diversity seems to be only about looks and not ideas, which is not how you make something funny unless you look like this. Picture of Pelosi. Yeah, it’s a cheap shot.

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 But see, there’s a downside to diversity. Once you put it over other variables like talent or skill, work ethic or hygiene, Kat. 

What if you, find someone who is truly funnier than someone else, but that person isn’t black or female or LGBTQASAPBYOBLOL. The problem with diversity hiring is you may end up with something or someone like this. 

Kamala Harris laughing

And yeah, she ticked at least three boxes and none were capable, charming or sane. Then again, the man ticking the boxes thought it was a form listing his medications. But this isn’t about Kamala. And let’s face it, non-diversity hires. well, they can suck too. 

As you know, TBS canceled the late-night show “Full Frontal with Samantha Bee.” Actually, I’ll bet Kat’s salary you didn’t know. But if you saw it, you’d wonder if thats Samantha Bee, I’d hate to see Samantha C, D or F.

Its ratings were pretty bad but slightly higher than my colonoscopy and that’s only because I do my own. Oh, it’s easy. All you need is a flashlight, a rib spreader and the flexibility of Gabby Douglas. 

But this cancelation caused real pain among the press. My God, another female led show gets canceled as if they forgot about Chevy Chase, Pat Sajak, Dennis Miller, Arsenio Hall, Nick Cannon, Jay Leno, Magic Johnson, they were all let go, too. But you know what? We men don’t whine about that, mainly because for men, losing jobs is part of our lives. You know, as opposed to, you know, losing oven mitts or spatulas. A sexist would say. Disgusting. Disgusting. 

But still, the media broke down like Joy Behar, finding out the store was out of mustache wax. It’s for her husband, her husband has a mustache. Here’s NPR’s headline, “Samantha Bee’s Cancelation Hints At Tough Times for Women and POC in Late Night TV.” Yeah, because when you think person of color, you think Samantha Bee, a white lady from Canada. Imagine the tough times ahead for true Canadians of color. You know, like, Justin Trudeau. 

To summarize, it’s a tragedy that a woman of prominence was unceremoniously removed from TV. The writer actually says, “fingers crossed” twice that Bee lands at a new platform which values her show more. But the only way that’s going to happen is if the show actually includes some full frontal. Another sexist who’s worse would say. We’ve got to get rid of these people. Who are they? Did you write that? 

Then, of course, they mention other canceled shows of obscure women and minorities. The idiot writers saying if only they get the chance. But excuse me, champ, they got a show. That was their chance. And they’ll probably get another, something 370 million Americans don’t get. Never mind that these shows had viewers reaching for the remote, like Brian Stelter reaching for a scoop of cherry flavored lard.

It’s why Hillary and her no talent daughter now have a show on Apple TV plus. Man, I feel bad for the exec who will eventually cancel their show. Rest in peace, whoever that is. Suicide note is already written. 

The next day, the L.A. Times ran a similar piece with this headline “The Late Night Recession is here, and it will hit underrepresented voices hardest.” Well, at least someone’s admitting there’s a recession, but underrepresented voices? I’m sorry. Have you flipped through the channels for 20 minutes? You might not find two straight white men in commercials or actual TV shows. If you calculated the percentage of the population based on commercials, America would be 125% gay. It’s true. 

Plus, these pieces sound exactly alike. It’s like in college when I copied the CliffsNotes instead of actually reading Charlotte’s Web. They call Bee’s cancelation a symbolic blow for many American women. But if American women like her show, they would have watched it. It’s like critics blaming fans for not watching the WNBA when they prefer Real Housewives, where there’s more dunking. But sorry, most broads didn’t know Bee. You know, I did a survey. Granted, it was in the men’s room. The only other person in there was Trey Gowdy, who was using the hand dryer to style his hair. But still, I did the proper legwork. And by legwork, I mean kicking feet under the stall. You know, it’s why I win the awards. 

Greg Gutfeld, America’s premier award-winning journalist, winner of the Flobody, the Crammy, the Toscar, and six Klurgs. 

It’s not about the awards. 

The fact is, when no one watches the show dripping in diversity, it’s never the show’s fault. It’s yours. It’s all you racist jerks for not recognizing that diversity matters more. But diversity is the natural antagonist of merit when it’s the only factor you consider. To the press, though, it’s not about enjoyment, but appreciation and then compliance. They want to replace the Emmys with participation trophies. 

But in all these stories, they avoid the elephant in the room. And I don’t mean James Corden. It’s another tiny show that’s causing all the cancelations. And who could that be? On any given night, we crush all of those shows and we just started and they should applaud that since we’re also the most diverse show ever. 

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Look at Kimmel, Colbert, Fallon, all white except for their bands. Some might call that racist in itself. Full Frontal had a white woman host. But what’s Gutfeld!? A Polish female, a black dude and me, a little person with more anxiety disorders than hair. And I haven’t even brought up the diversity of our guests. On any given night, the panel looks like a brochure for a city college. You couldn’t get a more diverse lineup if you went to a gay pride parade with the Seven Dwarves. What about our content? That’s important. We’re the only show that offers a diversity of ideas. They certainly don’t. In a way, it sounds like the beginning of a joke. A Polish blond, a black wrestler and a little person walk into a bar, a few months later through hard work, determination and talent. They own it. 

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel’s (FNC) “Gutfeld!” (weekdays 11PM/ET) and co-host of “The Five” (weekdays 5PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is the author of several books. His latest is “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.